Desire

 

                    Desire

Over the past few weeks, I have been contemplating my life and reached the conclusion that I no longer have desires.

As crazy as it may sound, it seems as though I have lost the fiery passion that had been possessing me ever since.

The so-called dream of achievements, hunger for success,   having a great career, the desire to be someone of importance that one day would be impactful to a certain group of people.

Truthfully, I never knew what was my desire, to begin with, of all things, that what was my dream? quite laughable and intriguing to say the least.

The reason being that there is no way a teenager should be thinking about dominating the world. but yes,  I thought of that.

Now onto to the present, having gone through the early stages of adulthood, the so-called desire has disappeared. 

Maybe being raised in a sheltered way made me this way, (who knows?  I am literally trying to figure it out as I free write this.) the pressure of always wanting to make things perfect for everyone, trying not to disappoint loved ones, to ultimately lose the drive to go forward.

How come, the people who tell us to be somebody never tells us the next step after finally becoming it? 

Went to university,  graduated, found a job, went back to university, moved countries.

Now what? 

For all its worth, I  am taking this journey as a  base of my adulthood, no longer depending on anyone but me. having to pay rent, transport, phone and other bills out of my pocket put a significant impact on my bank account. ( this is supposed to be serious, but here I am laughing with only £70 on my bank account, regardless we move.)

With all these bills piling up, have I stopped spending? of course not, my Netflix and Spotify's monthly payment says "hello".

Why should stop enjoying myself, when life is falling apart? NO, even if this Adulting phase will not go on my accords, at least let me enjoy some of my guilty pleasures. I will not come and die for no adulting, I will most definitely enjoy my journey.

With that being said, anxiety has been out of the picture for a while now, and all it's left is the depression.

 I've been so busy and focused,  with this job that for now, I do not believe will take me anywhere, to be honest. however it fills me up with stress, every working day something has to happen and it fucking sucks ( forgive me for my rudeness).

Am I leaving? who knows,  I have no desire ( a full-circle moment).

Where do we go from here? who knows, for now, let us see what the new year brings, hopefully, this pandemic ends, more money on my bank account and a trip around the world, that will be the manifestation on itself. 

The word " TIRED" has been present on my vocabulary for over ten years now, every time I sighed, the words " I AM TIRED" would voluntarily come out of my mouth.

Friends, would ask me: " why are you tired?"  with a stoic face I would reply " I AM JUST TIRED". there was no need to justify it.

The tiredness has been consuming me has started to dissipate, it has gotten tired of itself.

Now, what's left it is just a vessel full of achievements and no desire.  

Do I desire to see what happens next? of course.

 Am excited about it? NO, not one bit.

The Quicksand has turned into the ocean,  I no longer wish for the instant gratification,  refuse to rush out of these difficult situations that unknowingly I have been put into. might as well just enjoy the ride and float in this immense ocean.

Starting the day at three o'clock, drinking coffee, working twelve hours, and sleeping six to seven hours its a new lifestyle. ( who would've thought? not me)

What do I truly desire?  by writing I thought, the answer would come out,  but it didn't. Am sad about it? not really.

You may wonder the reason why do not worry I will tell you. I am still growing ( Ahh, what a sappy answer).

The truth is, just like many others in their early twenties,  I am adulting. I have achieved the dreams that I had thought were mine, maybe they were, can't just blame then on my upbringing, ultimately the decisions were made by me.

So now the lack of desire might be perfect for self-reflection, to have a better understanding of who I truly am, and one day will become. 

Therefore, in this new journey, I wish to become selfish, to do what I truly desire, it will not be a total 360 move,  I am not insane to try to reinvent myself and pretend to be something that I am not. Instead, I will be unapologetic me, ( why do I have to say sorry when someone bumps into me? they were the one who did it, no the other way around)

so yeah Fuck it,  sorry I could not be bothered ( growth!).

In conclusion, I am not okay for having lost the drive to keep going, but I am also not mad about it, with or without desire, as longs as it brings me the same amount of joy, does not bring me regrets when I reach my thirties ( scary I know) and fills my bank account.

I will be just fine.